My dear baby,
Another year has come and gone since we lost you. And so much has happened.
When you left us, God promised he would send another baby we would get to love and nurture. Admittedly, at the time, all I wanted was to love you and to be your mama. But, just as he said, God gave me another baby—a son. Losing you made me feel guilty once I became pregnant again; I wouldn’t even allow myself to celebrate right away. I was afraid to love him the way I loved, then lost you. I wanted him the same way I wanted you, and I wasn’t sure if my heart could handle another devastation like this.
Something happens to me when I’m pregnant. It’s like God stretches my faith at the same rate my belly stretches to accommodate new life. My ears are more attentive; my eyes see things clearer; even my mind is sharper, more focused. Last year, we experienced the power of God in a very real way. And maybe it was because I carried your brother in my womb while carrying you in my heart.
I wish you could be here to meet your brother. Josiah is such a joy to us. He’s bright and silly and perfect. He has my smile and your daddy’s face. We tell him about you, that although he’s our firstborn, you were our first baby.
When he was very young, around six weeks old, we were home alone. I was holding him, staring into his eyes. He stared back intently, then gave me the brightest smile—the first time I’d ever seen it. I sobbed because I felt like you were smiling through him, like the two of you were telling me together that you loved me and that I was meant to be your mom. I like to think that you and God were in on the perfect surprise for me—a gift wrapped into a small package: Josiah.
Every time I see the onesie your daddy and I made for you, I hold it to my chest and remember you. I sometimes dream about what life would be like with you here. (Hard to imagine you’d be almost sixteen months old now.) I put the onesie on Josiah sometimes and it’s like you’re with us and my family feels complete.
Daddy still gets sad when we talk about you. It’s only because he loved you so much and didn’t want to let you go so soon. I think that’s why we both hold on so tightly to Josiah. We understand that time with our little ones can be fleeting. You taught us to tightly embrace each moment we have together.
When God gave us Josiah, something miraculous happened to my once broken heart. It expanded. I didn’t need to feel guilty because my heart was capable of loving both my babies. You taught me a mother’s heart could both deeply grieve and deeply love. It can experience sorrow and hope. It can yearn for yesterday’s unfulfilled dreams while still fully celebrating today’s answered prayers.
You and your brother have made me stronger than I ever thought possible. I’m a better version of myself I never knew I could be. I’m braver. I’m louder. I’m unafraid. I love harder and more intentionally. You, my angel, started my process of growing up. I’m constantly evolving, constantly becoming. And it started the moment you came to us.
As always, I love you so much. I miss you always.
With more love than I could measure,
Your mommy
